Kiss my Becks-side

Time to deviate from the regularly scheduled programming.

Question: Who is this man?

Answer: If you don't know, then (a) you aren't a soccer fan, following only NASCAR and the Sunday morning pro fishing shows on ESPN2; (b) you are a soccer fan, but only to the extent of attending your kid's under-eight league matches; or (c) you a hermit in the vein of the Unibomber.

On July 13, David Robert Joseph Beckham will be officially introduced to the U.S. public as a member of the Los Angeles Galaxy of Major League Soccer. He is expected to make his playing debut in an exhibition match against two-time English Premier League champions Chelsea on July 21.

Like most soccer fans in this country, I'm excited to see what Beckham's presence will do for the league. The media coverage about Beckham's arrival has already begun to reach unparalleled levels when it comes to publicity about a soccer player in the U.S. That was to be expected given Beckham's unrivaled international celebrity status.

However, much of the media coverage (this includes soccer blogs) is beginning to annoy me to a level that I can hardly describe with sufficient eloquence. Why? Because the cliché parade is in full effect. It's a parade in which all of the participants are unveiling the same recycled stereotypes about soccer in America. Most, if not all, of these stereotypes continue to be hollow.

Here are the bandleaders of the parade and what they're saying:

1. Crusty American Sportswriter. Crusty American Sportswriter is typically 45 years old or older and has the classic American contempt for soccer. He writes for a newspaper or an institutional American sports publication, such as Sports Illustrated or The Sporting News. He has rarely, if ever, watched soccer.

In a column written by Crusty American Sportswriter on Beckham's arrival in MLS, here's what you'll read:

• Soccer is boring.
• No one in America cares about soccer. The NASL couldn't manage to make it in this country, so why will MLS? It's going to fail, too.
• There's not enough scoring in soccer. Make the goals bigger and maybe I'll pay attention.
• Soccer is for effeminate boys who are too wimpy to play "real" sports, like football or baseball. Just look at Beckham; he's a sarong-wearing, highlights-in-the-hair-sporting, lispy-talking sissy boy.
• Did I happen to mention that soccer is boring?

2. Snarky British Tabloid Hack. Snarky British Tabloid Hack writes for "newspapers" that would better serve as bum-wiping material, such as The Sun, The Daily Mirror, or The Daily Mail. He claims to have followed football all of his life. He purportedly stood and sang in the terraces of stadiums like Old Trafford, Anfield, or Highbury before the terraces got too dangerous in the 1980's and were made into all-seaters. He boasts that he had a tear in his eye when they tore down the old Wembley Stadium.

Like most British tabloid columnists, he writes about his subjects without any factual investigation. This is what Snarky British Tabloid Hack has to say about Beckham playing The Beautiful Game in front of us Yanks:

• Becks is going to America only to placate Posh in her aspiration to celebrity stardom in the States.
• Stupid fat Americans will never "get" the sport. Case in point: the sport is called "football," not "soccer," you muppets!
• MLS is a "grade zed" league that is on par with English conference (i.e., semi-pro) football.
• Becks, who still has a viable international career with the England national team, is set to ruin that career by playing in MLS. He should return to Europe for his professional football.
• MLS is only doling out big money for Becks so the league can save itself from failure.
• Did I happen to mention that Americans will never get football and that MLS is rubbish?

3. American Eurosnob. American Eurosnob is a usually male between eighteen and forty. He goes to the "local" every weekend to watch the Premiership on the "telly." He likes to post on BigSoccer.com only to impress everyone with his wannabe U.K. vocabulary and disdain for MLS. He might even maintain a blog for this purpose. Instead of wearing a U.S. national team jersey or an MLS club jersey to gatherings with other American soccer fans, he wears an England jersey or a Chelsea shirt. He can't tell you the starting 11 for the U.S. team, but he can tell you the starting 11 for England. He thinks that John Harkes still plays for D.C. United.

Here's what American Eurosnob is posting on his blog:

• MLS isn't worth my time or your time. The last time I went to an MLS game was in the late 1990's, and I saw enough to know that MLS sucks and will always suck. Everyone knows that the only football worth watching comes from Europe.
• Beckham is past his prime and will be a bust in MLS because, at best, he is a one-dimensional player (i.e., good only at set pieces).
• Oh, let's see how many Britishisms I can use to describe football. You play the game on a "pitch." The guy with the gloves is the "'keeper." A local rivalry is a "derby." Shall I go on, old chap?
• Did I happen to mention that the only real football is played across the pond?

If you are at all interested in seeing what MLS is about upon David Beckham's arrival, do yourself a favor--do not pay attention to anything the foregoing people have to say. As I mentioned, none of the arguments they make are novel. What's more, few of these people are credible messengers because, by and large, their knowledge of MLS and the state of the sport in this country is woeful. Crusty American Sportswriter knows nothing because he's too busy perfecting his pathological hatred for soccer to be objective or insightful. British Tabloid Hack knows nothing because his inferiority complex meter has its needle buried in the red, so much so that he has to pump himself up by reminding himself that Yanks don't know how to do real football. And, American Eurosnob knows nothing because . . . well, because his head is buried up other Eurosnobs' asses.

Here are some more enlightened viewpoints about MLS and David Beckham:

• MLS is doing just fine and doesn't need to be saved.
• Millions of Americans certainly do care about soccer.
  
• It's debatable whether Beckham is past his prime.
• The sport certainly does have a future in America.
  

I don't mean to paint a picture that is all positive. Beckham's playing stint for the Galaxy could very well end in failure. It could have no lasting effect on the league. Those events are certainly possible. But my point is that the people who claim to be experts about Beckham's arrival and about MLS are, by and large, not experts at all. So, if you're truly interested in seeing what MLS is about upon Becks' arrival, simply watch a game. Every Thursday night, ESPN2 features an MLS match of the week. If you have Fox Soccer Channel, you can catch another MLS match every Saturday night. Better yet, go to a game. The Chicago Fire have a state of the art stadium with a fervent fan base that makes for a great game atmosphere, even if the team is struggling this season. After watching, you can make your own judgments about David Beckham and the league.